Mr. Right.

Okay, so I remember, about two and a half years ago, when I was with Austin, I had a dream.


We were at school, and for some reason, there was a flood, and everybody was running (or I guess, swimming. Ha-ha.) like crazy. Austin was holding my hand, making sure he didn't lose me…and despite the fact that either of us could actually die in a flood…I wanted to know how he would react if he did, in fact, "lose me." So I sort of just…let my hands fall out of his. And the sad part was, he didn't even acknowledge the fact that maybe his girlfriend was in trouble. That maybe, he'd lost me forever. But I am actually a very good swimmer, so I didn't really drown, or anything. I just wanted to make him think he'd lost me forever. I wanted to know if he'd give me a second thought, if he really cared about me, if he really loved me. I wanted to know if he'd be sad that I was gone. If he'd be relieved, even happy. And yeah, I was thinking all of this while I was trying to get through the school, and out of the flood that I could've died in. But, as I said before, I am a pretty good swimmer, so I just kind of…waded in the water and watched Austin swim away from me, not once turning around to see if I was okay, or why, all of a sudden, he didn't have to hold on to something else—me.


I remember crying when I woke up from this dream. I felt as if God was trying to tell me that I was wasting my time with Austin; that he wasn't the right guy for me. And I had felt so sure that he was. Right for me, I mean.


I thought maybe we were just going through a rough period of our relationship (and we were—he was breaking up with me) and that we'd eventually get through it. I think I did just love him so much, I wish that's what that dream meant.


But last night? Last night, I had basically the same dream. It started out (and ended) totally different.


Kevin and I were in this race, and we were against each other. We were driving these kind of race cars, I guess, and, well, he won, of course. Me not being able to drive, and all. At the finish line, there was all this water, and we had to join each other in the race, and be against everybody else. It was a brand new race, and the finish line, for some reason, was a lake. We had to go through and follow a path around, and get to the lake before anybody else. I was trying to work out a strategy, but Kevin just jumped into the water (that wasn't the lake) and started trying to get to the lake really fast. But he ran into a wall that had a sign that said, "If you jump over this wall, you will be disqualified. This is not the way to the lake." So he screamed for me to swim over to him. I looked down at myself, and I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans, and I didn't want to get my shoes dirty, either. But I shrugged my shoulders, and jumped in the water too. I swam over to him, and I started complaining, "Man, I really liked these jeans!" And Kevin smiled and said, "Me too." I glared at him. "My jeans or your jeans?" I asked him. "Your jeans, of course." I knew it was the real Kevin after that; that's so something he'd say. Eventually, we found a way to the lake, and thankfully, there was nobody already there. As we were wading through the water, the water was over both of our heads, but he was determined to keep going. He kept holding my hand, and if I tripped over something, his grip would get tighter. I had a vague flashback to the Austin dream, but mostly I think I was actually dying. I couldn't hold my breath for any longer. But I also wondered to myself if Kevin could live without me. I wondered how he'd feel if he lost me. Would he even try to save me? So I, again, sort of just…let my fingers fall out of his. I remember falling, falling to the bottom. My eyes closing. The last thing I saw was Kevin stopping, turning around, and his eyes widening as he realized that I was gone. I said my silent goodbye, and closed my eyes for good. I knew it was the end. But the next thing I knew, I was being laid down on the cold, hard floor of the school hallway. I opened my eyes slowly, and Kevin was above me, tears streaming down his face, his eyes beat red. But a small smile was cracking, and he began to wipe away the tears. "Baby!" he screamed as he wrapped me into one of his bear hugs. "I thought I'd lost you forever." His voice cracked on the last word, and more tears came. The last thing I remember was I wrapped my arms around him, and I didn't want to ever let go.


I woke up. I was crying, but for a totally different reason than the other dream. I love this boy more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure that he'd be sad if he lost me, whether if I leave him, or I…die. I'm not saying my relationship with Austin wasn't a good one, because for a while there, it really was good. We just sort of…fell apart, and a few things happened. But I'm happy now, and I hope he is too.


I hope I get to sort of witness this in real life, not just my dreams. And I hope that this time, God is trying to tell me that it may be difficult sometimes, but Kevin is the right guy for me.