Burn it to the Ground.

Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had in a long time. And it all hit me last night, around 10:30. I don't know what set me off, but there were a million things at once being thrown in my face. I had a history test yesterday and did nothing but study all day long. Kevin came by to visit, which I was happy about because he looked so hot in his new shirt :] But I'm trying to decide where I want to go from here, and what's in store for me for the next five years. I don't know where I want to go to college after NCTC. I don't know if I want to transfer now, or later. I don't know if I'll ever amount to anything, honestly. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward, and I'm standing still. I feel like I'm losing those most important to me. Then again, if they were important enough, they'd stick around, right? But who am I to tell them to stay by my side? It's not their fault they're more successful than I am. I don't know...I just want to BE somebody. And I know that I'm the only one that can make that happen. I know that in order for me to have the life I want, I have discipline myself. I have to write some of my book everyday. I have to do something that scares me everyday, you know, like Mia? (Princess Diaries.) I have to get behind the wheel of a car. I have to get my self confidence up somehow. Because that's not very sexy at all for me to have low self esteem. I want to be sexy, dangit. I want people to look up to me and say "Wow, she's so lucky. I wish I could be just like her." I mean, not in the way like I'm this hot pop star who's stuck up and I want people to be jealous of me. I mean, it'd be nice if SOMEONE out there were jealous of me. But I doubt anyone would ever be.

Anyway, I let Kevin have it last night. On our phone conversation before bed, I screamed and cried and just let it all out. It's not that I'm ashamed of the person I am. It's just...I wish I had achieved more by now. I wish I could go through the every day experiences that everyone else sees as normal. Like going to a job every day. No, a normal job. Not a job where your dad is the boss. I've never had a NORMAL job.

So, after getting off of the phone with Kevin, I finally fell asleep. And I had (to top my horrible day off) the most horrible dream I think I've ever had. Kevin came with my family on a trip, we went to North Carolina. So my grandparents were there with my parents and then there were me and Kev. He was lovey-dovey through the whole night...but then we got in a fight. And he broke up with me. So I kept having to escape suppers and lunches and all of the fun family times to go to the bathroom so I could cry. I couldn't stop crying and I knew I never would. I was just so ... sad. And I know that's a dumb way to put because, well, obviously. But if I think that I've had my heart broken before, I don't want to know what my heart would feel like if he walked away. It was just so strange in the dream; Kevin kept wanting to be there, he kept being lovey-dovey. He wouldn't leave me alone. And I didn't get why he would just break up with me, then pretend nothing ever happened. We talked about it in the dream (our break-up) and he said he didn't want to get back together any time soon, but maybe later in life. I screamed at him more and more and lashed out so many times. "You said forever!" I kept throwing in his face. Then I woke up early this morning, crying again, because I thought that the dream was real. I couldn't control the tears and I can't imagine a life without him.

I don't know. Maybe God is trying to show me how much I would miss him if he left. How much my life would suck without him. I've had people walk out of my life for the past few years, and I've never been so upset. I mean, maybe once, of course. But I'm so, so, so thankful for those people who are still in my life.