Burn it to the Ground.

Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had in a long time. And it all hit me last night, around 10:30. I don't know what set me off, but there were a million things at once being thrown in my face. I had a history test yesterday and did nothing but study all day long. Kevin came by to visit, which I was happy about because he looked so hot in his new shirt :] But I'm trying to decide where I want to go from here, and what's in store for me for the next five years. I don't know where I want to go to college after NCTC. I don't know if I want to transfer now, or later. I don't know if I'll ever amount to anything, honestly. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward, and I'm standing still. I feel like I'm losing those most important to me. Then again, if they were important enough, they'd stick around, right? But who am I to tell them to stay by my side? It's not their fault they're more successful than I am. I don't know...I just want to BE somebody. And I know that I'm the only one that can make that happen. I know that in order for me to have the life I want, I have discipline myself. I have to write some of my book everyday. I have to do something that scares me everyday, you know, like Mia? (Princess Diaries.) I have to get behind the wheel of a car. I have to get my self confidence up somehow. Because that's not very sexy at all for me to have low self esteem. I want to be sexy, dangit. I want people to look up to me and say "Wow, she's so lucky. I wish I could be just like her." I mean, not in the way like I'm this hot pop star who's stuck up and I want people to be jealous of me. I mean, it'd be nice if SOMEONE out there were jealous of me. But I doubt anyone would ever be.

Anyway, I let Kevin have it last night. On our phone conversation before bed, I screamed and cried and just let it all out. It's not that I'm ashamed of the person I am. It's just...I wish I had achieved more by now. I wish I could go through the every day experiences that everyone else sees as normal. Like going to a job every day. No, a normal job. Not a job where your dad is the boss. I've never had a NORMAL job.

So, after getting off of the phone with Kevin, I finally fell asleep. And I had (to top my horrible day off) the most horrible dream I think I've ever had. Kevin came with my family on a trip, we went to North Carolina. So my grandparents were there with my parents and then there were me and Kev. He was lovey-dovey through the whole night...but then we got in a fight. And he broke up with me. So I kept having to escape suppers and lunches and all of the fun family times to go to the bathroom so I could cry. I couldn't stop crying and I knew I never would. I was just so ... sad. And I know that's a dumb way to put because, well, obviously. But if I think that I've had my heart broken before, I don't want to know what my heart would feel like if he walked away. It was just so strange in the dream; Kevin kept wanting to be there, he kept being lovey-dovey. He wouldn't leave me alone. And I didn't get why he would just break up with me, then pretend nothing ever happened. We talked about it in the dream (our break-up) and he said he didn't want to get back together any time soon, but maybe later in life. I screamed at him more and more and lashed out so many times. "You said forever!" I kept throwing in his face. Then I woke up early this morning, crying again, because I thought that the dream was real. I couldn't control the tears and I can't imagine a life without him.

I don't know. Maybe God is trying to show me how much I would miss him if he left. How much my life would suck without him. I've had people walk out of my life for the past few years, and I've never been so upset. I mean, maybe once, of course. But I'm so, so, so thankful for those people who are still in my life.

I Need You Right Now.

Turns out, I made myself sicker by going out with Kevin. Man, I feel like the worst best friend ever. :[ I ended up not going to Cassie's last night, and I'm not hanging out with her today. I wish I could see her...I miss her so much. I just felt so bad last night; my stomach hurt and I couldn't breathe through my nose and I kept coughing and sneezing...good times. I asked her if I could just go over there last night, but not spend the night. It didn't work out, though.

But come to find out, a mixture of Nyquil and sinus medication is the perfect mixture! I was knocked out pretty fast, but then woke up in the middle of the night with a pain in my back and shoulders and couldn't go back to sleep. I wished so much that Kevin had a cell phone because I wanted to call him.

Today's a boring day, as every Sunday seems to be. I guess not so much boring as it is lazy. This morning, I ate my cereal and watched TV. I tape Fringe every week, but I've never seen an episode. So I watched the one from a few weeks ago, but I forgot one small, very important detail: American Idol had run over, so the whole show of Fringe wasn't taped. :[ I guess if worst comes to worst, I can watch it online.
Then I helped Mom and Dad pick weeds outside. We turned on the outside radio, and it made things seem to go a little faster. Around 11:00, we started to get hungry, so I went inside and made sandwiches. And so I guess since noon, I've been in my room, checking MySpace, talking to Kevin, and sorting through messages. I deleted all of the hundreds of pages that were full of messages from a "This profile no longer exists" ... which I can only guess were messages from Mandy all of those, well, months ago.
And it's making me think, also making me cry. Not full on breaking down and losing control. I just can't believe we're not friends anymore. I guess, to me, it would be like if Kevin and I broke up. It would just be...weird, and it would take forever for me to get back on my feet. She was as important to me as Kevin is now. It's just so ... weird that we're not friends. And I know it's been months (and months and months) that we haven't been friends. And longer still that we haven't seen each other. But I can't help but miss her sometimes.

Anyway, I still don't feel good, and I think I still have some Nyquil in my system. So I'm going to go take a nap.

-Lindsay

School and Work.

It's been a long week. I went to work on Monday and Tuesday, but stayed home on Wednesday and Thursday, due to being sick. My throat and head hurt, but I think it was only because my allergies have been so bad lately.

For now, though, all of that has passed. The only downside is that I cannot, for the life of me, breathe through my nose!

For the last week, I've been trying to come up with a brilliant plan for mine and Kevin's three year anniversary, which is coming up in TEN DAYS! Mom suggested a few things, and I think I'm going to try to do them. Kevin needs some new clothes (some NICER clothes) so we went to Southlake last night. I asked him where he wanted to shop because I wanted to buy him something. He suggested American Eagle, and he tried on some jeans and a shirt that I picked out for him. I didn't like the jeans, but oh my God, that shirt? Was hot. It's a nice shirt; long-sleeve, black, button-down. He looked so good in it, I just HAD to buy it for him! Lol.

I think I may take him out to eat for supper. Maybe Italian Bistro- I don't know...I don't have a lot of money right now. I wanted to to make last year's restaurant a traditon (the Campania's Pizza and More) and foot the bill there. But I don't think I'll have enough money. :-/

Anyway, tonight I'm spending the night with Cassie :] I'm excited! Katie wants a job with Mary Kay, and we're doing facials tonight :] Tomorrow, I'll be going to church with them, then to Cassie and Katie's apartment at TWU with the rest of the college class at their church. I'm pretty excited :] But I'm also scared that I won't be able to stay awake for very long tonight. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, as I kept sneezing, which led to the unfortunate fact of not being able to breathe again. Also, I'm afraid I might sneeze tonight while doing facials :-/ that will not be good.

Oh! And I got my grade back for my Hitler paper that I complained so much about! I MADE A 94!!!!!! I'm SO happy, and I hope that this will help my grade in History.

Well, that's all so far!

-Lindsay

Promises, promises.

Oh jeez. It's been what, 9 days since I last posted? I'm so sorry!!!
Things have been completely wacky this last week, and I haven't had time to drop by.
I promise that within the next few days, though, I'll have a new blog!

Keep reading!

-Lindsay

April Fools!

I stayed home yesterday because I woke up too late to have any hope of getting ready for work in time. So my dad left and I ate breakfast. I watched Becoming Jane, which is my new favorite movie. I watched 7th Heaven and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. I tried to work on my english paper, but it didn't work out until later. Cassie called me and we chatted about our days and this weekend- we're planning a sleepover. :]

My mom came home from her trip in North Carolina last night. Her plane came in at 5:30, so Dad closed up the shop early and went to go get her. I baked some oatmeal cookies for her arrival home :] She said that she would try to be home by 7:00 so we could watch American Idol - she and Dad went out to eat last night after he picked her up from the airport. But they walked in at around 7:30, and I attacked her and hugged her neck; I missed her sooo much!

Good thing we have the DVR, so we can record shows and watch them at our convenience! So I got it set up so we could watch American Idol and we watched it. Come to find out, it only lasted for an hour and a half instead of two hours- BUMMER. But it was fun, anyway.
The show itself wasn't as amazing as I thought it would be, honestly. The theme of the night was any song that has been number one on the charts on iTunes. So Mom and I thought it would be this amazing show with current songs. But half of them chose songs from the 1970's. And half of them...didn't do so great.
But Danny did great, and that's all that matters :]

Anywho- I had my conference with my english teacher last night. It was at 9:30, but didn't start until 9:40. It lasted...until 10:05. Five minutes into it, I really wanted to throw my laptop across the room. Seriously. I sent Cassie a text message that said exactly that. Seriously. The whole conference was 25 minutes of my teacher telling me how bad I am at writing essays. Which, come on, I know that. But you don't have to SAY that.
All I know is- THANK GOD I don't want to write essays and poetry for a living. I just want to write about a girl's experience in high school. With a twist. You know, like Meg. Jeez.

Now I'm at The School Zone. I'm bored as heck, and I'm waiting for a response from Kevin on MySpace. Seems he logged off, though, after he asked ME to talk to HIM. The nerve!

So now I believe I am forced to write my paper for history. Which I pray I make an "A" on because in all honesty, I think I'm failing history :-/

Love,
-Lindsay

I'm Upset.

Okay so basically, this is going to be a HUGE rant about things that I'm upset about. So bear with me for a few minutes. If you're not interested, wait a few days, I'll have a new blog :]

So number one:
I'm upset about last night's episode of American Idol. From the very beginning, my mom and I liked Michael Sarver. You know, the guy with the "fifth most dangerous job in the world"? Okay, so he was this good guy with this country accent (sort of) and loved country music. I liked him. No, he wasn't the best singer, but he wasn't the worst either. I'm not going to say who I think should've gone home last night. *CoughMeganJoyCough* I mean, this person is possibly the cutest person ever. But let me just say that they better go home next week.

Number two:
I'm upset that Kyle XY isn't going to have anymore shows. Nope, they just had the SERIES finale a couple of weeks ago. I LOVE this show. It had an actual story; an actual point. It had good actors that were easy to relate to and easy to fall in love with. (Not to mention Matt Dallas is a hottie.) The story got deeper and better each season, and by the end, I could relate to the pain, the tears, and the happiness. I wanted certain things to happen. And the series finale? Sucked. Really, what kind of show is so cruel to have the world's cutest couple on it, break them up, make the audience think they were going to get back together, and then leave you hanging on THE LAST EPISODE EVER? How rude! And it only had THREE seasons!! How dumb is that?

Anyway, I guess that's all I'm upset about.
Except for the fact that I can barely see out of my left eye, due to allergies.
And that I can't breathe out of my nose, also due to allergies.

But other than that, gee, I love spring!

Anywho, I'll be back later :]

-Lindsay

Possibly the Longest Day EVER.

This morning, my dad woke me up at 9:20. I guess I slept through my alarm :-/
I woke up, got ready to go, scanned the pantry for our new Banana Nut Cheerios that my mom bought yesterday, and after figuring out that she must have taken the box to school with her, I settled on a cup of coffee.

It's been possibly the longest day ever. I mean, it's not even 3:30 yet, and I get off at 6:00. Which is in over two hours :[

I spent some time with Courtney on Sunday; we went to Southlake at around 3:00. We went to Charming Charlie's- I bought a pair of reading glasses and a pair of sunglasses. I think I'm going to take both of them back next weekend. I guess maybe I was having a blonde moment when I bought them. I can't fully see through the reading glasses and the sunglasses are cute and all, but they have the little prescription lenses in them that they so cleverly covered up with stickers. So I didn't know the sunglasses had those in there until AFTER I took off the stickers when I got them home.
Anyway, then we went to Victoria's Secret. I finally got to spend half of my gift card that I got for Christmas. They were having a "7 for $25" sale on panties. Hello!
We walked through other stores like Delia's, then we went to Starbucks and got some drinks. We sat down and people watched and took pictures :D
She got a call, and decided to drop me off at home at around 6:00.
I had fun with her :]

Oh yeah! She works at Hastings in Stephenville, so she bought me Twilight, and I paid her back when she gave it to me. I watched it twice yesterday (once with my dad at work, then with my mom when we got home.)
Then I'm probably going to Kevin's tonight, and he told me to bring the movie. So I'm excited to watch it again!!

Anyway, I thought this would pass the time a little better.
I mean, I have a history paper to write that's over HITLER. Hooray. Not.
Then, I have an english paper to write that's over exile in previous readings.
The history paper is due in a few weeks, so I'm working on the english paper for now.

But it's STILL not 3:30 yet.

Ugh.
I'll be back soon!

-Lindsay